I had my dream job, I was getting paid to train and play one of the games I love. Yet this game I loved became a chore. What I was supposed to be loving, I began to hate. filled with anxiety and self inflicted pressure, trying to live up to self made expectations. I started to feel depressed. Trainings were a struggle and the ability to do simple skills became a nightmare. The fear of failure grew, as did this dark cloud which led me to feel alone and angry at myself asking why I felt like this, kids would love to be in the situation I was in, yet I’m hating it. I started to believe I wasn’t good enough, as a person for things I was doing wrong and as a player. I was beating myself up so much and being away from home made everything 10x worse. I was thinking about all the things I was missing and I began spiralling down this dark hole.
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I needed to move home, but this decision brought more anxiety as I felt embarrassed, “I’m a failure” “I failed my goal moving over”, “I’m stupid giving up my dream” “people think less of me”, “I’ve let everyone down”. So I wanted nothing to do with sports and I continued to beat myself up. I tried to hide it by partying and trying to be the life of the party hiding behind a fake smile. Don’t get me wrong I had fun and had some great times but I knew deep down inside I still felt useless and It lead me to do things Im not proud of, leading to more self hate. “Self hate” that was the worse thing about it, this was all self inflicted and I had created this invisible crowd of people making judgements on me, which made this battle so ugly.
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The person you talk the most to everyday is yourself, and I was talking to myself in a way I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone. Reaching out to my loving parents and friends, made me realise just how bad I was talking to myself, they reminded me of my worth. Which I’m a truly thankful for. I took time to really self reflect, prey and grow myself through the bible, podcasts and books. I realised the importance of self awareness/self love and practicing gratitude. Also that I was basing my happiness on if i achieved this childhood dream not realising that I had more than enough to be happy for outside of sport. although sport may have a big impact on my life its such a small part of my life.
Through this I found my love for sports again. Focusing on just enjoying being able to play, I realised i still wanted to achieve my goals But with a different perspective. I’ve learned to be happy in the present moment being on the journey to achieve my goals. In reality i’m just playing a game. We all have our own “why’s” and goals but I want to advise any kid or anyone to not put any overwhelming pressure on yourself, just play and enjoy it. Most importantly don’t base your happiness off making it big. Enjoy the game and everything that comes with it, enjoy the friendships, enjoy the trainings, enjoy the jokes and laughs, enjoy singing that team song, enjoy the wins, enjoy riding the heartbreaks and challenges with team mates, enjoy that beer after the game, enjoy everything, be happy in the present moment of your journey!I don’t have all the answers nor am I close to being perfect and have everything in order, i’m not a happy Chappy all the time, I fight little battles everyday, but that’s life. I believe Life’s a journey! We all travel through hills and valleys. We all get vulnerable at times, but vulnerability brings growth. It ain’t weak to speak, you are not alone, you are more than enough and you are loved. let’s be vulnerable together and learn to fail, so we can grow, get back up and thrive together in love.